As we’ve mentioned, Ian and I are very new to the swinging lifestyle. We’re learning as we go and we know there will be questions and situations that will be difficult to navigate, but we’re trying to both keep an open mind and do what seems right for us.
Now, to be clear, Ian and I are both pretty open minded about sex. There are some things that we don’t want to do ourselves, but we totally respect other people’s right to do what they want, so long as no one is being abused or hurt (against their will). Sex is an awesome gift and it’s up to each individual to decide what is right for them. That said, getting involved with other individuals or couples can bring up some difficult questions.
Our first ethical dilemma came a little sooner than we expected. Our first night actually hanging out and playing at the club, we met a couple who we both thought were really nice and attractive. Because it was our first night, we had decided we weren’t going to engage in anything sexual with anyone else, but we enjoyed watching them play with each other and being watched by them.
During some casual conversation, the couple shared with us that they are both married- to other people, who don’t know that they are together or that they are swinging. We took this information in without comment. Ian and I want to take marriage pretty seriously, but its not our life and we don’t feel we have any place to judge. A little later in the evening, the couple mentioned that they would really like to play with us next time we run into each other at the club. We talked about the possibility of “soft-swinging” with each other, meaning we would have sex with our own partners all in the same private room. None of us made any promises, but we agreed we’d talk about it again next time we all saw each other.
In the moment, both Ian and I were pretty flattered that this couple wanted to play with us and as they were both incredibly friendly, we were friendly back and lead them to believe we were at least somewhat interested. It wasn’t long though, the ride home in fact, before Ian asked me how I felt about the fact that they are both actively cheating on their spouses. We both talked about the fact that while its one thing for us to be non-judgmental and friendly to this couple, it might be another thing to actually engage with them in sexual activity. Would we be apart of their cheating? The obvious answer seems to be yes.
There is a small part of me that just wants to do it anyway, that wants to just pretend like I don’t know about their unsuspecting partners sitting at home, not knowing that their spouses are out having sex with multiple other people. I want to tell myself not to be a prude and to let their marriages be their business. I don’t know the whole story and maybe somehow what they’re doing is totally justified.
But the truth is, that’s not how I feel. Again, I don’t want to be hypocrite and I don’t want to make assumptions about this couple or their individual marriages. At the same time, I just don’t know if I can stomach knowing that I am enjoying sex play with someone else’s husband and wife, without their knowledge or consent.
I think that’s what appeals to me about the swinging community. From what I can tell so far, most of the couples involved in swinging are committed to one another on some level, or at the very least are not actively cheating when they engage with other couples. I want this to be a community of willing and open adults, people who love sex and love people, who don’t want to hurt anyone. This is probably pretty naive of me, I know. I know there are plenty of people who don’t see things the way I do, and I don’t expect them to, but when it comes to the way in which I use MY body, I think I have the right, maybe even the duty, to keep to my own ethical rules.
Am I being close-minded here? Am I being a prude? Is this just something I have to get over if I want to be a swinger? My gut tells me no, that in the Lifestyle, just like anywhere else, I have an obligation to myself to do what I feel is right, but then how do
Ian and I politely turn down this super-cute, super-friendly couple?
Ian’s input
Babe, I think Mr. B’s comment hit the nail right in the head (which is getting to be a pattern). Don’t EVER compromise your morals and beliefs. We had this talk at length and I feel exactly the same way. I don’t ever want to think that I am, in any way, harming someone’s relationship; whether they are a willing couple or we have the knowledge that one or more of the players is cheating. I love you.
Ian and Holly Swing 